…not necessarily in that order.
I am rubbish at consistently writing here. In part, I think it’s because I haven’t felt I’ve had much to say, or much that I wanted to say in blog/journal form. Mainly, I think I’ve felt that I haven’t needed this, not like when I started at least. I don’t mean that I have all this figured out, as I will detail later, just that the need to process and vent and take care of myself isn’t so pressing because I’m not dealing with such…extreme circumstances regarding my closest relationships. It doesn’t feel so dire, not quite so life and death. Which is good. Less drama is a good thing. Being able to breathe is a good thing.
But I have had a rather intense round of stress in the last few weeks, which has highlighted that I do really well taking care of myself after and during periods of suffering. Yet when things are pretty level, pretty calm, I skimp. Which is dumb. I keep having to re-take this lesson and I’m starting to annoy myself. But more on that later.
I had car troubles which was so not a bill I needed. I’m attempting to set up summer employment (I teach, which is lovely with summers off, but at the same time… income-less months are not always grand), and still not sure if it’s going to work out and I would just like to know already. I am trying to juggle work, volunteering with my church, projects with my Mom, family commitments, and doing a deep clean and reorganisation of my apartment. And then got to spend a weekend at the garage with the car.
I have this special category of stressors, that are common things but can just derail everything for me: car issues and budget issues. It’s going to work out, but oy, it’s gonna be tight.
Depending on what happens with the summer employment. Getting it could be better, but that will depend on how things go. Could be awful. Not getting it might be better. As long as no major expenses are incurred. Sometimes I think God poises me on these particular edges because I am being a stubborn student and He has had enough.
I also have lacked my regular introvert recovery time. A few weekends ago, I was spending my time at the garage and at the very, very loud coffee shop surrounded by people. Then the next weekend I had one day off, then spent day two visiting a friend and attending a family dinner, both of which were lovely. Then work stresses and soooo many schedule changes in between (I would like to go on record stating that BC’s ‘spring break’ of two weeks in March where there is no school and people go on holidays in the middle of the bloody semester – these are not, by the way, university students I refer to; they actually deserve a break and would use it to work – is absolute shite and I hate it, literally hate it, with a passion. I am such a joy to be around this time of year). Then this last weekend included my main day off being spent with family, which was again lovely, but I’d hit my limit on Thursday. Friday was painful.
See, when I hit my limit I am struggling so much to process what I need to that any interruption, any person talking to me, my phone giving me alerts, popups in the browser, loud noise, or my current favourites: the person on the radio is saying inane things and won’t get to the point, or the singer isn’t getting to the point of their song fast enough. My brain instantly tells me it needs to stop because it cannot be handled. I am overloaded and exhausted, and I have zero patience left. All I want is to get. out. Get home. Try to shut everything off. Take a nap. Eat something. Just make the world shut up. Meanwhile, I am trying so hard to pretend to be friendly and kind and gracious when that is soooo not what I am feeling inside. And these lovely people don’t deserve this, because it’s not their fault; not exclusively, at least, it’s everyone combined and me just needing a lot of refueling. But I do my best to speak and act well because I firmly believe that regardless of how I feel I am still responsible for how I treat people. But I have to watch my tone, because it comes out as perpetually impatient and harsh because I just want to get it done, and my face. I can keep my mouth shut, but apparently I have facial expressions I’m not entirely aware of.
Thank God I smartened up on Saturday.
I actually, and this is miraculous, got up early. Of my own free will. Well, I strongly suspect the Holy Spirit is changing my heart there because nine times out of ten I will sleep until the last possible second. But Saturday I got up early at 6:30ish, chatted with someone lovely a little, did Bible study, had tea, let my brain wake up, and then headed to my Mom’s. And I was good. I still enjoyed my caffeine for the day, but I was capable of being a nice person for most of the day. I was relieved when I could leave; certain people just don’t move at my pace, and some things were being frustrating and I really did not need more frustration, but overall it went well.
I know that’s because I started my day decently. So now, of course, I have proof of this, I know better… and I have to actually follow through. Because if I don’t, God’s going to look at me with one eyebrow raised.
I went to church today, that was good. I debated going back for a quick meeting tonight and finally decided no, I need to protect my introvert time because it could be another long week. On a happy note, I get Easter off. So if I can just make it two more weeks, then oh I am going to get to go to Good Friday and Easter Sunday services, and in between I can literally lock myself in my house and turn my phone off and speak to no one for hours and hours at a time. It’s going to be beautiful.
So lesson learned. Hopefully. Self-care cannot and should not (duh) be ignored. ‘Man cannot live on bread alone’. I was watching an old episode of Stephen Colbert on The Late Show and he quoted this, and it just clicked. I’ve been trying to live on bread alone. I’ve been trying to catch up on everything from when my car was in the shop, and some things before then, I’ve been trying to deal with the bare necessities. But somewhere in there I forgot this one particular necessity. My self-care cannot be considered a luxury, because when I do that I make it optional. It cannot be left out of the budget, so to speak. So hopefully, again, lesson learned.
On a much happier note, my day yesterday ended in the best way. I’ve been in ‘search mode’ for about a month and a half now; I posted ads on a few sites looking for a formal D/s relationship, and have been spending a lot of time getting to know people who responded. And I have met some incredible people and been quite blessed through our conversations. One in particular has been so lovely. He is one of the most positive, encouraging, and understanding people I have ever met; he has a good heart and I am continually impressed by his character. We share so many of the same interests and beliefs and desires, which is fantastic. And last night he asked me if I would be his Babygirl, and I said yes ❤ So, I have a Daddy. And he is wonderful. And it’s officially been over 24 hours and I am still tearing up about it, he’s made me so happy. I am excited and just… thrilled. And at peace. Which is really lovely to feel.
I’m not going to say more than this right now because I am quite careful about what I post regarding my personal relationships, as they are so precious to me. Right now I am simply basking. And smiling a lot. And enjoying my re-exploration of D/s after over a year’s hiatus, essentially.
God is good. Now for some Bible study, because I’m going to do this self-care thing right.