So I Haven’t Written in a While…

Dear Diary,

It’s been kind of a crazy two weeks.

First, there is the massive influx of messages that tends to happen with the listing of an ad on FetLife and getDare. This meant a lot of extroversion for me, and I think that while I was quite ready and excited about a new relationship, I was perhaps not so ready to do that much extroverting every day. There were a few times I had to walk away from the computer, turn off the phone, go do something that had nothing to do with anyone else, and just breathe. Because oh my gosh. I can only remind people that being called pet names and terms of endearment from someone I am not in a relationship with so many times before my discomfort levels make me want to either burst into tears or scream.

But for the most part, it has been lovely getting to know people (which is an ongoing process). I had a few domly doms and trolls, with some very lame attempts at negging, and just some poor judgement calls. Most people, though, have been fantastic. Gradually, very gradually, I’m getting the messages down to a manageable number. I’ve paused a few conversations with friends/acquaintances for sanity’s sake, and once I recover will resume them.

Which brings me to last weekend. I had a car mishap, I’m going to call it, which resulted in a very late night where my Mom and her husband came and rescued me (for which I am deeply grateful; I am so, so, so glad that they moved out here, because it is really nice to not have to deal with some of this on my own), one day of car repairs and a bill I so did not need right now, and then a second day of the regular maintenance which took about three hours longer than it was supposed to, which meant that my day off was spent in a very loud coffee shop and in an equally loud garage, dealing with people and not getting the introvert rest that I usually spend my Saturdays providing myself. This last week has been…trying. My stress levels are better, but still quite high. I keep catching myself clenching my teeth today, which is a sign that I need to stop talking to people for a while because my mind is just too loud and I need time to think and process and breathe in relative silence. Higher stress levels last weekend and early this week led to some relatively minor but still not fun health situations, after I was sick the week before, so that’s been a delight. I am behind on almost everything I planned to do last weekend, which also stresses me, so this week I’ve been trying to catch up so I can cram the rest of last weekend into this weekend along with what I need to do this weekend.

I am trying to get things set up so I can work at some farmer’s markets this summer, and honestly I’m more than a little scared about it. I don’t want to apply because apparently I have this fear of failure that’s cropped up in the last while, but I’m going to apply because I think I should at least try. I’m not entirely sure if this is what God wants me to do or if it’s a huge mistake and I’m trying to cling to my own plans rather than listening to Him. So I have prayed that God will confirm it via acceptance into the markets if He wants me to do this, and so if I don’t get in then I am going to conclude that God’s not cool with it. And I think I’d be fine either way, as long as I’m doing what God wants me to do. This is always my frustration and fear with discernment. I’m fine with biblical interpretation, I know what the Bible teaches, I have no issue talking to people I trust in the church and getting their input, and I get some answers from God when I pray. But things like this…I just don’t know. And I can’t wait to apply or I won’t get in for sure, and I don’t want to use ‘waiting on God’ as an excuse to not apply and not get in.

My place is in chaos because I’ve been focusing on messages and work and church projects, which are all good but the chaos stresses me. So step one is going to be getting that under control this weekend. Step two is going to be dealing with the market applications, and I know I’m going to feel better when that’s not hanging over me.

And I can’t even plan things out beyond that right now. I have taxes to deal with, more work stuff, prep for Bible study (most of which I can get done this weekend, I think), prep for markets in several areas, baking to plan, a summer trip home to plan, school to deal with, my computer needs to be organised, I have about 67,000 books to read…

But I can’t figure everything out right now. I think that maybe, and I stress the maybe here, God is raising my stress levels for a reason. I keep praying for Him to allow me to experience Him, to know Him better, to grow my faith. Well. Without God, none of this is going to go well. So I am starting with the basics I know I need in self-care. I am trying (I still loathe mornings, so it’s a struggle) to start my day with Bible study and prayer; at the very least, I pray, and study when I have time during my more ‘awake’ hours. When I get frustrated with the constant extroversion, I do yoga when I’m at home, I drink tea or go for a walk when I’m out, and if I’m at work I pray. That very simple ‘Lord Jesus, have mercy on me’ prayer makes a world of difference. And I have piano to practice this weekend, which I am excited about. So between that self care (which will include very specific and limited times with my phone on and my chat logged in), I’m going to reign in this chaos and deal with some of the stressful things. Just do it. Nike knows what they’re talking about.

So that’s it. That’s all I’ve got right now. I hope I’m doing what I’m supposed to. I’m still rather upset with myself over the car mishap and how I didn’t put more away when I could have and arrrrgghhh! But it is what it is, and I know that God is good and He is faithful, and I just need to trust Him.

I now realise that the reason I haven’t written is because I have nothing conclusatory to say. I’m smack in the middle of this story. I haven’t really learned anything new, I haven’t for sure figured out the lesson in all this, I am not in a super good place because oh my gosh the stress, I am still learning how to deal with all this… I’m not feeling so together this week. But God is still God. And I’m doing my best to make that my focus.