The last week or so has been a little bit…not crazy, just lots to get done. Full. Very, very full. I look forward to the establishment of a routine.
But I am extremely grateful for the peace I’ve felt almost the entire time since the breakup. I don’t have a lot of experience with such relationships ending, it’s really only the second full relationship (had one other that was extremely short-lived) that I’ve had, and the circumstances are quite different…but I am quite aware this is not exactly the norm in terms of emotional fallout (understanding, too, that it’s different for everyone). To a certain extent, I’ve wondered if I was just numb or in denial or avoiding allowing myself to grieve fully, that I was avoiding emotion altogether. But since then I have felt other things. I had a mini heart attack when I thought I had a message from him, because no one else emails that account anymore – it wasn’t him, but I did realise how much fear I have of another confrontation, even the possibility that we attempt another relationship (I will get to that in a moment). I have felt worry for him, but realised that I do much better when I keep my distance consistently and don’t even try to look for evidence that he’s at least alive (which is tricky for me to do because I want to know that he’s well and safe, so learning to let go in that sense is definitely against my instincts). And then when I was on my way back to my apartment, from holidays, I suddenly remembered he’d sent me a package I would finally get a chance to open, and I felt waaaayyy more anxiety than I have in a long time. Because I didn’t want to go through grieving all over again. I didn’t want to have to figure out what to do with whatever he sent me. I didn’t want to have a sense of loss and feel guilty for not being able to figure out how to fix something that is, the more I think about it, quite out of my control.
And then I got home, I opened it, it was a nice gift but it’s also something that I know I can just put away until I figure out what I ought to do with it. And there was no message and it all turned out to be a lot easier than I had anticipated. Just like that, anxiety was gone, peace was back. Prayer helped, of course, but it was still hard to face at first.
I have come to a place where I miss the person but considering how much peace I feel now, how much clearer my thinking is, how it’s easier to breathe and function in general, how I cry less, I worry less, I feel less anxiety, I in all honesty am not missing the relationship itself. I miss the prospect of what I hoped, at times quite desperately, the relationship would be; but the fact is, it never became that. And I think more than anything I grieve the loss of what I hoped for, what I think we both hoped for, and I miss being able to talk to him and share our common interests. But, without wanting to label something about which I still don’t trust myself to be entirely objective, I can see that this relationship was draining me, that it was at least related to, if not causing, a great deal of struggle and strife for me. I don’t want to speculate about what he was going through, I don’t think I can speak to that. I am, and unapologetically at this point, grateful the relationship has ended.
And I don’t mean this to be harsh or vengeful or hurtful or certainly to be judgement on him, because again my objectivity is hilarious when it comes to my relationships, but I don’t want to be in that relationship again. Subjectively, I don’t think the relationship was quite right for either of us, despite our vast hopes. I don’t want to go through those same issues again, I don’t want to fight those same battles and feel like it’s futile, I don’t want to be that worn through and bruised and hanging by thread. I loved him fully and sincerely, and I do believe he was worth fighting for. But then the rug got jerked out from under me one time too many and it just…was not a relationship that was good for me, and so probably for him too. I understand people go through rough times, and God willing they go through it with someone, and they come out stronger than ever. This was the vast majority of the relationship. I feel less alone being single now, less hopeless, less confused, less discouraged than I did for the majority of the time I was in that relationship. And by no means am I blaming the relationship for everything, because I know I had and still have a lot of things in my life and about me that need to be worked on, and I am so incredibly grateful for what I learned through that relationship and how I have changed, and I don’t want to stop learning and growing and dealing with those things properly. I know, too, that some of that negativity was my own doing, me not forgiving fully the first time, me having expectations that could not be met, me not genuinely listening at times, me just…fighting the wrong battles. But I am still grateful that this particular relationship is done; not that I don’t want to interact with the person ever again, I do, and I still sincerely hope there’s a way that can happen again. But the relationship is done and I believe quite strongly that’s a very good thing.
I’ve been enjoying being single. Having a little more control (due to a number of things) over my time and commitments. I got to set up a FetLife profile again and get involved in that community once more, and I missed those group discussions and the writings and the kinks list (lists make me happy). It was fun to rebuild my profile (still have teddy bear pics to add). I’ve even started dabbling in writing erotica and had way more fun with that than I expected. I am working on other projects I’ve been looking forward to for a long, long time. I am getting more involved in my church and meeting new people, which has been fantastic. I am finishing up a Bible study I didn’t think I would get too much out of, and it’s turned out to be exactly what I need, and I have two other Bible studies that are exactly what I’ve been wanting to study and work on. God is so good. My apartment is still semi-chaotic, but I’ve had a lovely time getting organised for the rest of the year and planning and just…getting excited about what I get to do next. Over the possibility of someday getting to meet and get to know and submit to an incredible Dom. Getting to pursue a relationship where we are both prepared and ready for it, and able to pursue it at a pace that’s right for both people involved. I’m excited to just see what happens next, and I don’t even feel anxiety about that, which in itself is miraculous.
Gratitude. That’s all I can reasonably focus on at the moment, because I can’t sort out the rest, part of me doesn’t want to, I don’t know what will happen, I am just so deeply grateful that things are better. And I think that if they are better for me, then odds are things are better for him too. Which makes me smile.