Breakup

I’m still not entirely sure what I ought to be writing about in this particular post. Primarily I thought it would be wise to at least give an update for clarity’s sake (and because I’d like to avoid some awkward conversations). My significant other and I have decided to go our separate ways. And I am still sorting out my emotions regarding this; most of the time since then I have felt that bizarre peace, some shock because this is definitely not the way I expected things to go nor at all what I wanted, and I have had some periods of extreme grief which seems more normal considering the incredible person I have lost. I miss him. And I still love him, and as much as I am trying to be vigilant about cutting ties in a good way, and to deal with things well, and not drag anything out or cling, particularly when he’s made it clear that he is not in favour of continued contact as is absolutely his right, I have loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone for a long time now, and I can’t just set those emotions aside. I am trying to put them in their proper place, but it’s a process, which I will continue to diligent work at because I don’t want to cling in a bad way, but it’s a process nonetheless.

I will not discuss what happened, this is absolutely not the place for that, and I may someday write about some of our relationship, the good things because there were so many and they have deeply affected me and will continue to, and the myriad lessons he taught me, for which I will always be grateful. But I think I am going to hold off on writing about any of this for a while because I don’t trust my perspective at all and I also want to make sure I have a level head so I can avoid writing anything that should be kept private. I want to respect him and honour who he has been in my life and all he has given me above all. We did not part on good terms, which also breaks my heart. I have hope, because I’m stubborn that way, that there is a tiny sliver of a chance that someday, maybe way, way in the future, we will get a chance to settle things and be in each other’s lives somehow. But I have no guarantee of that and I definitely don’t think it’s something I have any right or welcome to actively seek; if God does it, then He does it, and if not then God’s will be done. I have faith that all things work together for good. God is still God. And He is merciful and just and good. So I cling to that.

I am okay, other than the times when my heart aches because I miss him and I am keenly aware of what we’ve lost. I am pretty sure he’s okay too; he’s strong and he’s good, and he’s wise, and I know God has countless good and wonderful things in store for him. I just hope and pray with all my heart that he receives every good thing, that he is safe and well, and above all that he will have the most wonderful people around him to support and encourage and strengthen him as he deserves.

I do not think that I will have any interest in being in a romantic and/or D/s relationship of any kind for a very long time. I want to make sure that I do this right, that I properly and respectfully lay this relationship to rest so that it is remembered and honoured well, but fully laid to rest first. I also know that I need a lot of work. I have a lot of things I need to deal with in myself and that I need to learn. And this person, this unbelievably patient, kind, loving, and gracious person dealt with a lot of my issues with me for a long, long time, and I appreciate more than I can say. But I want to make sure that I honour what he has done and taught me, what he gave me, and I want to not carry those things into another relationship. On top of this, part of me has that little shred of hope still that things will change and maybe we’ll have a chance. I don’t want to live my life by that forever, I don’t think that would be healthy or wise. But I also have faith that God is good, and He can accomplish anything; and this really is one of those impossible situations that I can do nothing about, so it’s going to have to be God. I have no idea if God will, so again, I want to be careful, and I am still way too close to this to trust myself to discern this well. So just to be absolutely clear, because I know how things sometimes go on this site (and I say that with exasperated fondness): I have no intention of seeking a dominant of any kind, nor of entering into any kind of intimate, romantic, or sexual relationship for at least the next several months. I am committed to that shred of hope. And I am committed to becoming the person I ought to be.

I am not going away, I will still write, but again if I’m weirdly avoiding talking about this it’s because I am waiting a long, long while to try to have some decent perspective before I start attempting to analyse any of it. Thank you for reading and I wish you all the very best.

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