I read this beautiful passage in my Bible study tonight, Psalm 139:1-6, 13-17:
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
“You know when I sit down and when I rise up…You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways…” I realised tonight that this means God knows my bad habits, my cycles, my vicious circles, my struggles, my weaknesses as well as He knows…everything. He knows them better than I do.
“For You formed my inward parts…I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works…” But those things are not me, the bad habits and weak spots. God does not create faulty works, He does not make mistakes, He does not produce shoddy workmanship. So those things are not me, not created ‘me’. And I ought to discard them and be more ‘me’.
Not to continue those things and excuse them saying ‘that’s not me’ or ‘I don’t know what came over me’ or just to act as though this anomalous and inconsequential. But to genuinely drop those things. And be created ‘me’. What could be bad about that?
There is a fear and reluctance that I tend to feel when I start working on dropping certain things, a fear and reluctance that is all illusion and lies. Lies that try to convince me that I love indulgence more than ‘me’, more than being genuinely fulfilled, truly expressed, truly knowing myself, more than freedom and hope and a life lived abundantly. Lies that being ‘me’ is scarier than these familiar habits and cycles. Because it’s unknown. But God is my shield and my strength, my refuge, my peace, my God.
So…why not? Just…stop.