Oh boy, where to start…
My last ‘journal’ post was about how I’ve realised, thanks in large part to my significant other, that I have developed this horrible habit of using excuses to veer into self-pity for various reasons. This was a brutal realisation in many ways, although a markedly necessary one – see, I tend to hate excuses and self-pity and try to avoid both…and yet, here I am a recovering excuser and self-pitier.
That doesn’t mean that everything I’ve been saying/doing has been about excuses and self-pity. But I do go through phases of it where it’s more intense, regarding certain areas of my life. And this was, in fact, the key to that little indulgence vs. self love issue I was having. I would make excuses that would lead to indulgence; I would indulge in self-pity, rather than actually doing what I needed to do to deal with the things I didn’t like. This is such an insidious thought-pattern that I keep finding it attempting to creep back in; and thank God, I am learning to be more aware of such thought patterns and curb them early. So this is quite literally a ‘there but for the grace of God…’ situation. This doesn’t mean I don’t have real problems and real hurts either; it’s how I go about dealing with them. And I think for the moment that’s all I want to say about that.
I am much more productive overall now that I am aware of my excuses and can identify the self-pity attitudes. I am encouraged when I find I am more aware and not just carried along by these patterns of thinking; and my Dom has been a wonderful encouragement in this too. But. I am scared that I will slip. That I will fall back into it, that it will sneak up on me like it did before. I am scared that I will indulge one of those errant thoughts just a little too long before realising, and make a horrible mistake. I deeply hurt someone I care about very much because of this pattern of thinking, and I still am astounded that he chose to forgive me and that we’re good, but it was truly horrible knowing I’d hurt him like that the first time. I don’t know what I would do if did it again. And it’s one thing if I did it in full knowledge, but I feel like some of it was just…lack of awareness of the truth of the matter, and y’all ignorance is not bliss, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Stay in school, kids.
So I’m scared. And between yesterday and today I have been both randomly and not so randomly emotional (which I seriously hope is due to hormone fluctuations because that would explain a lot), which has been fun to deal with. My Dom has identified a key contributing factor, but I kind of suspect it’s a culmination of things.
I am getting better at dealing with people, and not being caught up in things that drain me, or at least not allowing the forced extroversion that is my life 6 days a week (lately 7) to suck all the ‘nice’ out of me. I am learning to take time for myself and say no to certain things and set more boundaries…much of this is in retrospect, but it’s like a day or two later not weeks or months later, so that’s progress. I am praying more, and finding it wonderfully effective. I am studying more, and enjoying it, and finding so many good things I will need several more posts to describe them all. Bible study has wrapped up for the year, resuming in January, so that’s lovely (although, they made us change groups and play an icebreaker game, which honestly, why? why do people still think this is a good idea? we are told to cultivate relationships and build trust and then you mix us up and have us spend 20 minutes doing one of the most hated activities of all time? is this a ploy to have us all bond over a common enemy? or a ‘misery loves company’ kinda deal?).
My Mom was wonderful this week, and she came over to help me get going on my Christmas decorations! So I finally have things going, my living room and kitchen are at least 50% done, my tree is up and lit, most decorations are sorted into the various areas of my apartment. I still have to deal with my bedroom and the spareroom and find my window stickers ASAP, but progress is being made! I have gotten to listen to a lot of Christmas music, which is also helping me pursue good thoughts, and unwind, and just take care of myself some more. My Mom and I baked a ton last weekend, so I have Christmas goodies too (need to have a baking post soon…). I got to wear my Santa hat all week, which is good because it’s cold and snowing!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which I also love, when I don’t have to drive in it. It was absolutely beautiful to wake up to the big fluffy flakes a few days ago, and then today everything is blanketed in white…
Almost made up for the very scary hill I nearly began sliding back down whilst in the motor vehicle that does not do well in slush. Good times.
I don’t exactly know what else to update people on. I’ve been avoiding writing because…I’m not sure. I think a lot of what’s going on in my head and my heart is tough to put into words, and I have to keep reminding myself the point of this blog was to not worry so much about being understood but to just write and process and get it out rather than bottling it in. Still very much in the middle of this learning curve, along with several others. I am having kind of a rough day between the emotionalness and now my Dom is unable to be in chat for the next few days (which is not his fault, it’s just circumstances, and I understand; it’s just hard when we want so much to share Christmassy things because this means a great deal to both of us, and I’m dealing with some melancholy there). The lights are pretty, and the music is lovely, and the snowstorm has not knocked out the power so I still have internet, and these are all things for which I am very thankful.
I still feel overwhelmed sometimes about how much I need to do and ought to do. But I am attempting to focus on finishing one thing, one single thing, each day, and that’s helped some. I’m still very behind, but I’m getting there. Slowly. And one more week of work now, and I’m done. A few days off, then a flight home to visit the rest of my family, and Christmas, and lots of good memories to be made, and I get to hug people I really miss hugging. I have a lot of good, so many bright spots, I get to look forward to.
See, gradually re-training my brain.
And now that I am pretty sure everyone else is asleep, as it is nearly three in the morning, I am going to head outside to make a snowman.