I’ve realised, in one sudden, fell blow, that I make a lot of excuses.
Excuses to be less than honest, with myself and others. Excuses to not take care of myself. Excuses to not live up to my commitments, to not honour my word. Excuses to justify my actions and thoughts. Excuses to overlook things I need to deal with rather than actually dealing with them.
The issue with being deceived is you don’t know you’re deceived. And when someone comes to tell you otherwise, you end up being faced with believing them or believing your experience, your thoughts, your perception, and your emotions. At first glance, it makes no sense to doubt everything you perceive to trust someone else’s perspective. But in this case when I started digging, I mean really digging, really examining myself honestly I realised they were absolutely right.
I don’t know when I started making so many excuses. It doesn’t really matter, the fact remains I’ve been making excuses for myself copiously. And there is a time and place for understanding, for realising I am imperfect, for being gentle with oneself, and there’s a time and place to hold oneself to a higher standard, to get it together, and to be disciplined and committed.
So I apologise to everyone. I apologise for every time I said I would do something and I didn’t, whether it was directly to you or just in general on this blog. I apologise for being so blind and foolish and selfish and mired in self-pity and being just…tiresome because of that. I apologise for allowing myself to cling to my issues, for being addicted to misery even while I hated it, for making this mess. I am sorry for everything I may have put any and all of you through.
I feel like my word isn’t worth very much at the moment, so I don’t want to go making promises and commitments. All I want to say right now is I am going to be harsh with myself, in a good way. I’ve had to take a long, hard look at what I’ve allowed myself to become and how I’ve blamed everything but myself, and I am deeply grateful to the person who finally made me do this and I’m also very sorry for how I have hurt and betrayed this person. They deserved none of that, and I hope they are genuinely free from everything I put them through.
I want to stop making excuses for myself; I didn’t used to, and I’ve been wondering for a while what changed between my very disciplined self and where I find myself today…and it’s excuses. Which the aforementioned person realised long before I listened. Habits and hurts from past relationships, a wide range of them, have been used by me to excuse patterns of behaviour that have caused a great deal of damage to what I love most. It’s not a lesson I’m going to forget, thank God. It damn well better be one I don’t waste.
So no more excuses. No more skimping on chores because I’m tired – I could get up and make some tea and go for another two hours, I know this. No more indulging rather than real self love; I know better, and yes discipline is hard, but it’s not impossible, I just need to stop talking about it and do it. All the accountability in the world won’t change a thing if I don’t actually do it. No more putting off the things I know are most important for more sleep, for another episode, for menial projects that just don’t need to be a priority. That’s what I need my life to be. I’m already working on it, right now. If you pray, please pray I won’t stop, I won’t be discouraged, I won’t be distracted, I won’t stay in this very bad place I’ve created for myself.