I’m awake. My mind won’t shut up. I may as well ramble a while.
I caught myself wallowing this week.
Now, I’m not entirely anti-wallowing when hard, scary, sad, upsetting things happen. I think it’s often part of how people process. But for myself, there has to be a limit or, and I say this based on my own past experience, I end up in this cycle of drudgery that borders on sickness. So when I clued in, i.e. when I compared what I had planned to get done this week to what I actually did get done this week and realised how much of my time had been spent in bed, watching TV, eating junk, and how extremely little time I was spending taking care of myself, I had one of those “oh crap” moments.
I have a family member who realised last year that he had become ‘addicted’ to his depression. That he chose for a long time to cling to old hurts and habits because it was comfortable and familiar, despite the circumstantial causes of depression no longer being a part of his life (these are his words, not mine; I am in no way saying that all depression is due to circumstances, I know it is definitely not; and I am deliberately leaving out details because this is his story to tell, not mine; meanwhile, back at the ranch…). When he realised what he was doing, he simply decided to stop, and since then has made a concerted effort to let go of what mires him in depression and to focus his time and energy on building the life he wants.
Which is absolutely fantastic and I’m still ridiculously proud of him. But besides that, this concept has stuck with me, and when I realised I had spent at least a few days in wallow-mode, this was the first thing that came to mind. I already wrote about how I had a rough time on the weekend because still not hearing from my Dom…well, it just sucks, and it’s really hard to keep amping up my hope and having it jerked away from me every single time I check my Skype and email. So I gave myself permission to be sad and discouraged and to just miss him, and I do, so, so much.
But I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stay in that place for an extended period of time.
What I mean is this: I love my Dom. I miss him every single second. I pray because there isn’t anything else I can do, and it’s pretty much the only thing that gets me to stop crying once I start (although, the spirally moments are becoming fewer, so that’s positive). I distract myself because it makes the time go by faster, it keeps me from thinking too much and slipping into those spirals, and because I have to do at least the bare minimum to keep my life together.
Except, I didn’t hardly even do that this week. And yes, that’s understandable. But I don’t want to stay there. I don’t want to just scrape by until my Dom comes back, because I know that while I have rough times throughout the day, and probably will for a while because that’s life, when I begin using that as an excuse to not take care of myself, to not love myself, then I’m heading for a bad place.
I have some amazing friends, some really wonderful people who have supported me, and checked on me, commented and messaged, and I can’t thank them enough for how they have gone out of their way so much just to make sure I am taking care of myself and to encourage me. And it really does help.
But what scares me is how very alone I feel when faced with how very alone I feel. Please understand, I don’t mean that in an ungrateful way at all, I am so deeply grateful for everything. Every word, every hug, every picture of adorable, fluffy animals. I just miss my Dom. I miss getting to talk to him. I miss being able to go to him about anything. I miss being held. I miss encouraging each other. I miss pissing each other off because we seemed to be pretty good at that too. I miss everything.
But the fact is, while I miss him constantly and my heart still hurts and I’m still scared sometimes, I also know full well that my emotional stability is a lot better than it has been, overall, in a long time. I know that one way or another I can do this. And I know that the emotions I am feeling are not debilitating and preventing me from getting off my ass and getting stuff done.
I have been avoiding Christmassy stuff because I was looking forward to sharing that with my Dom more than I have ever looked forward to sharing Christmas with anyone ever, and God willing this is just a little interruption and we will be fully into Christmassing together within…well, ideally when I wake up in the morning, that’d be nice. But even if that doesn’t happen…Christmas does not depend on my Dom. I’ve done it alone before, I’ve survived rough Christmases before and created a really lovely space for myself amidst some awful stuff. I can do it again. And dammit, if I have to do it by myself, I will. If it hurts like hell to start watching some Christmas specials before my Dom resurfaces, then I’m going to embrace it, because that’s just part of loving him and I want the good elements of those Christmas movies too. I think I need them.
Same thing goes for all the ‘little’ things I keep avoiding because I’m really afraid to let myself go into a vulnerable space like that, even when I’m by myself, because part of me thinks I’m just going to burst into tears. Meanwhile, I have dozens of stuffies I haven’t used and I’m running low on cuddles (which is not good for me, I have learned this so many times). My Dom being here does not determine whether or not I enjoy Disney; my enjoyment of Disney is a constant, an objective principle, and depriving myself because there is the off-chance I may cry during the movie…good grief, I almost always cry during movies.
My other option is to cocoon myself in my room, eat crap, neglect yoga, end up feeling worse and worse physically, feel rushed when I have to go do things because I’ve let myself fall behind, and then go hide again. Hide from everything. From people, from messages because when they aren’t from him I’m a bit sad (and again, please, I am so ridiculously grateful for every single message, down to each individual emoticon, I appreciate them more than words; I just would really like to know that my Dom is okay and y’all keep not being him…), from chores because they take me out of my warm and cozy bed, from dealing with things like work and people because I’m back to sorting out a lot of this stuff on my own rather than with him…
I don’t think avoiding the rest of my life is a wise choice. Even if participation is hard sometimes, I think it’s better than…well, hiding.
I am not giving up. Not until I know there is zero grounds for hope. And right now, no news is being taken as good news, I’m still praying, I’m still hoping and making myself hope every single time I check messages, check activity, all of it. There are a lot of things in my life that are on hold because my Dom is currently out of contact, for whatever reason. But not everything. And I cannot force him to come back. I am rather limited in what I can do to track him down too, so largely it’s about patience (oh joy). But I can focus on the parts of my life I can influence, I can honour him and all of you who have been so supportive and take better care of myself, I can be faithful in at least that, and still wait. I’m not done feeling sad or worried about it, and I’m not going to try to force myself to not feel or feel something different. But I can control what I pursue, what I focus on, what I do with the time and resources I have.
Well, that stream of consciousness explains why I can’t sleep :o)
I’m attempting to refocus myself by considering different areas of my life and making an effort to do something toward each every day, or at least toward most of them. In no particular order, I have (for now) listed them as: Bunnies; Work; Family; Friends; House; Body; Soul. I’ve only been doing this two days now, but it’s helped me not feel so overwhelmed when I get up; I can just make sure that I’ve taken care of that particular corner of my life, and then look to another. With a few little rewards in between.
Ironically, one of those rewards was an early bedtime tonight. The best laid plans…
Of Nuances And Nocturnes 