Logic Is Kicking In

Yesterday was a more anxious day. I had nearly convinced myself that I must have done something wrong that initiated this extended silence. This must be punishment. Consequence. And maybe it is, I don’t know.

But that’s just it. I. Don’t. Know.

I have gotten myself calmed down more, I’m praying more, I’m letting go more… Not in the sense that I’ve given up, I don’t plan on giving up in the slightest until I know, for sure, that I am dealing with a genuinely hopeless situation. I can apply my stubbornness in productive ways. I still hope. I still pray with everything I’ve got.

But I recognise that I do not know what is going on. I am clinging to whatever hope I can, but I have zero control over the situation. I can pray. But everything is in God’s hands.

If things are meant to work out, they will work out. If they aren’t, they won’t. And just writing that breaks my heart, because I so desperately want everything to be okay. I believed last week that we had entered this new phase of our relationship where things were going to be better than ever, this whole realm of freedom and love and just…getting to enjoy life together without some very awful things interrupting frequently.

This seems to be a rather awful detour. But if that’s still God’s will, then it’ll happen.

Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe he just needed a break from online, to tend to some offline things, and maybe he did message and didn’t realise it didn’t go through before he logged off (for what is nearly now a week). Maybe all his tech has had issues at once; stranger things have happened. Maybe he suffered a medical emergency and cannot contact anyone right now – I really don’t like this scenario, but it’s possible, and I’m hoping if this is the case that my prayers for healing and safety are being answered. Maybe I did do something horribly wrong and he’s pissed and cannot talk to me or anyone else right now. Maybe the worst has happened. Maybe it’s something I haven’t even considered.

But regardless of what the situation actually is, I still cannot control it. And today I think I’ve finally had some success in letting go of that striving to control/influence the situation. Not messaging him and giving him space helped, thank you to the lovely person who suggested that. Being patient and focusing on prayer helped too, thank you so much to his family for talking me out of that one panicky day.

So for right now, I’ve just given it to God. I’ve been through awful before, more than once. I’ve survived it, by the grace of God. I can survive this too, even if it is worst case scenario. I hope with all that I am that it isn’t. I just want him, my significant other, my first Love, to be okay.

No matter what, I love him. And I trust God. I may feel like an idiot if it really is something as simple as him needing a break and some miscommunication for writing this, but I have come to the point where I am keenly aware of my limitations and I cannot do anything but accept that this is the way things are right now. And they may change. And they may not.

God is still God. He still has a plan. He brought good things into my life before, and He can do it again.

I still miss my significant other like crazy. I still cry when I dwell on any of this for longer than a few minutes. I’m never not thinking about him, my heart aches almost all the time, but my mind is a little more clear. The knife-through-the-heart sensation anxiety produces has lessened today. I’m still checking every single form of communication he might use, every site he might be on, even checking obituaries (and that has caused a lot of prayer), for some little bit of hope. My heart keeps leaping at every single notification I get on my phone or computer. I’ve got nothing but the fact that maybe no news is good news for the moment.

And for right now, that’s enough. I’ll be okay. I still hate every second of this, but I’ll be okay.

I just want him to be okay too. Please.

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