Update

My heart still aches, less when I’m distracted so of course I am avoiding thinking about things. It seems I’m not going to get the chance to start talking through the underlying issue with the relevant parties for a few days yet, so in the interest of patience and sanity while I hover in this state of unresolved…whatever I’m feeling, I’m going to throw myself into focusing on everything else.

Which makes me really happy because that’s an ability I haven’t had in a long, long time, but thank God my focus is back. I almost wish people could have a genuine glimpse inside my head for the last few months so they could see why I am so excited about this.

I am a little bit proud of myself for getting through the vast majority of my list last night, and it did help. I did everything except reading, because it was 2 AM when I got into bed, then I watched one more episode of 30 Rock while I finished some prep for the next day, and that was enough to wind me down for sleep. The best part, though, was when I prayed and read my Bible. And now I sound like an advertisement for a Christian radio station, ack. All I mean is, I am 99% sure I found what my soul has been longing after. Nope, still sound like a soundbyte.

I figured out why I tend to have zero emotional stability in the rough times, or at least after them, and why I can be so grumpy. Because what I want, what I really want, what I crave right into my soul, regardless of what anyone else is into, believes, what works for them, this. This is what I need. I am still kicking myself for setting it aside for so long, for a range of reasons that I don’t want to get into now because this is supposed to be a quick update, but now that I’m back in it I’m trying to be diligent. Commit myself to it and prioritise it properly.

So I’m okay. I have a way to love myself that actually helps. And for this week, that’s enough.

Today’s list: Food (which I’m enjoying as we speak), water, meeting with my pastor (which went wonderfully and I’m really excited about things), keeping out of chat (because ow), Bible study (because my soul needs it), new book on prayer (my pastor recommended it, so again, excited to dive in), the possible making of rice krispie squares, and work (which the rice krispie squares will help with). Then tonight…tonight I’m going to clean the bunny pen and then read. Just read. Turn off the phone, log out of everything, electronics turned off entirely, might even take a friend’s suggestion and only use candlelight (I have a ton of candles), and just read.

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