The Roller Coaster Continues…

I really need to start posting on my good days, because I’m starting to annoy myself.

I envy people who can identify what they’re feeling right away. Or within the first half hour.

Heck, within the first day.

All I can process is that I hurt and I’m crying.

I actually had some really, really good days. I felt more myself. I was even feeding my soul decently. I played piano for the first time in months. I got my apartment cleaned, which feels wonderful. I have been continuing with that fantastic Bible study I mentioned in a previous post, and I think that has fed my soul more than anything. I’ve been sleeping and eating decently. I am caught up on work and starting to get ahead.

I briefly felt like things were in a good place.

Now I’m trying to sort out what the hell just happened, whether or not I should be upset or ticked off, why my heart hurts so much, why on earth we cannot have a simple discussion (I have a theory that any serious discussion must be had earlier in the day for us, but I have not had the chance to thoroughly test this), and I still have no freaking clue how to sort out how I feel. How do people figure this out? How do emotionally healthy, aware, stable people figure out what they’re feeling?

That’s pretty much the only point of this entry. I feel like I got hit with a truck. That is the extent of my knowledge. I am torn between attempting to think about this and actually getting things done tonight.

So this is where the journal kicks in. This is where I attempt to process, #1: hit a wall there, so on to the next step. I use this to keep myself accountable and make sure I take care of myself sufficiently, and don’t do something stupid.

Not doing something stupid includes halfway processing this and then messaging him back: so no messaging. Logged out. Going to wait a minimum of 24 hours before I broach the subject again. And if I still hurt, then I’m going to wait longer. Because I do not want my response to be dictated by emotions I can’t even name. I will not be pushed around by…whatever the heck I’m feeling.

So self-care. This is my to do list, and I’m going to do it as best I can and then tomorrow, when I get the chance, I will log back in and tell you all how I did. Yay for accountability via the internet.

And also for lists.

  1. Pray. I know this is essentially, and if I skip this I’m in big trouble.
  2. Read my Bible. I need to get some good input, get my mind off of things, orient myself a little.
  3. Food. I haven’t eaten supper and it’s late, so real food.
  4. Water with the food. I’ve been doing a decent job of hydrating myself the last few days, I need to keep that up.
  5. Essential chores (tending to bunnies, cleaning the kitchen, prepping for tomorrow because I have to be up early for a meeting) with more 30 Rock (I was going to go with Christmas music, but I tend to think when there’s music; I need to not think tonight, sleep, and think tomorrow when I’m calmer).
  6. Quick baking because that de-stresses me and will occupy my mind (as will cleaning my kitchen).
  7. Bed by 2 AM at the latest. That gives me 7 hours sleep which is decent. That gives me almost 3 hours to get myself calmed down and relaxed enough to sleep.
  8. Read a book that is not related to school, work, or the ow-inducing events of today. Just for me. Just for my soul to have something to chew on.

In other news, apparently my soul is a puppy.

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2 thoughts on “The Roller Coaster Continues…

  1. Jason says:

    Big hug.

    > I envy people who can identify what they’re feeling right away. Or within the first half hour.

    My theory about this is that most people, including myself, most of the time, can’t identify what they’re feeling, but they have coping mechanisms (for example, but not limited to, being very stupid so that they wouldn’t recognise a misidentified feeling if it bit them on the nose).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Belle says:

      @Jason: Right now my coping skills pretty much consist of dealing with everything else and distracting myself so I can’t think about it and get frustrated and spiral.

      And hope that eventually I’ll just figure it out or it’ll go away.

      Not sure if those qualify as ‘coping’ skills. But I am skilled at them :o)

      Like

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