I really need to start posting on my good days, because I’m starting to annoy myself.
I envy people who can identify what they’re feeling right away. Or within the first half hour.
Heck, within the first day.
All I can process is that I hurt and I’m crying.
I actually had some really, really good days. I felt more myself. I was even feeding my soul decently. I played piano for the first time in months. I got my apartment cleaned, which feels wonderful. I have been continuing with that fantastic Bible study I mentioned in a previous post, and I think that has fed my soul more than anything. I’ve been sleeping and eating decently. I am caught up on work and starting to get ahead.
I briefly felt like things were in a good place.
Now I’m trying to sort out what the hell just happened, whether or not I should be upset or ticked off, why my heart hurts so much, why on earth we cannot have a simple discussion (I have a theory that any serious discussion must be had earlier in the day for us, but I have not had the chance to thoroughly test this), and I still have no freaking clue how to sort out how I feel. How do people figure this out? How do emotionally healthy, aware, stable people figure out what they’re feeling?
That’s pretty much the only point of this entry. I feel like I got hit with a truck. That is the extent of my knowledge. I am torn between attempting to think about this and actually getting things done tonight.
So this is where the journal kicks in. This is where I attempt to process, #1: hit a wall there, so on to the next step. I use this to keep myself accountable and make sure I take care of myself sufficiently, and don’t do something stupid.
Not doing something stupid includes halfway processing this and then messaging him back: so no messaging. Logged out. Going to wait a minimum of 24 hours before I broach the subject again. And if I still hurt, then I’m going to wait longer. Because I do not want my response to be dictated by emotions I can’t even name. I will not be pushed around by…whatever the heck I’m feeling.
So self-care. This is my to do list, and I’m going to do it as best I can and then tomorrow, when I get the chance, I will log back in and tell you all how I did. Yay for accountability via the internet.
And also for lists.
- Pray. I know this is essentially, and if I skip this I’m in big trouble.
- Read my Bible. I need to get some good input, get my mind off of things, orient myself a little.
- Food. I haven’t eaten supper and it’s late, so real food.
- Water with the food. I’ve been doing a decent job of hydrating myself the last few days, I need to keep that up.
- Essential chores (tending to bunnies, cleaning the kitchen, prepping for tomorrow because I have to be up early for a meeting) with more 30 Rock (I was going to go with Christmas music, but I tend to think when there’s music; I need to not think tonight, sleep, and think tomorrow when I’m calmer).
- Quick baking because that de-stresses me and will occupy my mind (as will cleaning my kitchen).
- Bed by 2 AM at the latest. That gives me 7 hours sleep which is decent. That gives me almost 3 hours to get myself calmed down and relaxed enough to sleep.
- Read a book that is not related to school, work, or the ow-inducing events of today. Just for me. Just for my soul to have something to chew on.
In other news, apparently my soul is a puppy.