Inability to carry on a discussion without it devolving into an argument because apparently I present myself as this delightful mix of defensive and generally ticked off, while veering sharply into silent treatment territory.
Today we are presented with a much improved mood.
But yesterday… To quote my illustrious grandmother, crumb all Friday.
The perpetual roller coaster that is my life (and I’m 99% sure that describes most everyone else’s – if not, congrats, what is stability like?) included a series of recurrent crises, legitimate crises I want to emphasise, that needed to be dealt with throughout the last week/week and a half. That meant juggling care of others with work (which is calming down, yay!), setting aside a lot of housework apart from what I needed to do to take care of my bunnies, short sleeps, and a lot of prayer. I kept up with everything, but when Saturday came…wow. I was toast.
And not the nicely browned buttery kind. The ‘oh right, I was wiping off the outside of the toaster and must have spun the dial all the way to dark, and will someone please kill that smoke alarm’ kind.
So my Dom was a little concerned…
And I finally clued in that continuing to try to push through, trying to keep up with conversations, trying to be supportive and helpful, trying to be present, it was just beyond me. I had reached my limit. I am a finite being, I come with limits. And that is not a bad thing; that’s a sane thing. That’s me paying attention. Because ‘the longer you run from reality, the harder it will bitch-slap you when it catches up.’
I was not helpful in that state, to anyone. I was in tears over everything. Not physically over-tired, I’d caught up on sleep the last two nights, which felt amazing. But mentally and emotionally, I was exhausted. To the point that any input, no matter how much I wanted it and wanted to be able to handle it, was just making all of me either angry or sad or a confused ball of tears and screams directed into my pillow.
So I logged out of everything. Everything. My several email accounts that oh my gosh I have got to condense (5 Gmail accounts alone. Why? Why do I do this to myself?). My Facebook. My tumblr. Skype. LINE. Pinterest. Even turned my phone off. And I just enjoyed, sans guilt for the first time in ages, the ensuing silence.
I had the most productive 5 hours of the year. I cleaned most of my kitchen (which included almost a week’s worth of dishes – yeah, it’s been quite the week), cooked, tended to my bunnies, played piano for the first time since May, swept my floors, cleaned my bathroom, tidied the majority of the house (the spare room can wait), tended to some business things for my Mom that did not require communication, planned some baking, did laundry, folded laundry, set out my Autumn decorations, sorted recycling, drank some water (I need to be placing a higher priority on this), started watching 30 Rock at the recommendation of a friend (thank you!!!), and enjoyed my new pine-scented soy candle that reminds me of Christmas trees.
I forget how happy it makes me to get my place under control. How good it feels to not be surrounded by chaos, and just have some catch-up time so I don’t stress about how I’m failing at housekeeping. And yes, I know, I’m dealing with other things, I’m not a failure because I haven’t vacuumed yet this week, but I like to keep up with things at least a little. I really am trying to thin things out, the commitments, the things that draw on my time and leave no time for the things I want and need to do. This week was an exception, crises happen. But I have got to stop pushing myself beyond what is absolutely necessary when the absolutely necessary part is that intense.
So it was a good lesson. I’m much less whiny now (venting helped, still not by way of a solution, but I no longer want to throw my computer against the wall and watch it shatter into a thousand pieces, so I think this is probably a healthier place). I can converse without being bitchy, that’s a win. And my Fall decorations are pretty :o)