The last two weeks, I’ve been getting back into teaching; week one is always crazy, week two has been almost equally so. I feel like I’ve had two relatively packed weeks, but in a good way. That being said, I have decided to quit while I’m ahead and protect my non-work time in the next weeks. Not protect it ‘more’, because that makes it relative and I seem to…abuse that sort of approach; I am going to protect my non-work time, full stop. As long as I follow through with that, I can be a little proud of myself for figuring that out before being overwhelmed.
The downside of the last two weeks is I have been thinking about this blog to which I’ve committed myself, wanting to explore the 87,000 things I could only allude to or very briefly touch on given the self-imposed space restrictions I was attempting to follow (I can make my words concise, but my thoughts not so much). I want to explore each of those things one by one, in detail, so I can have the depth I need without allowing myself to half-deal with something because I tried to cram things together. But alter.
Today I felt Christmassy.
Fall has been a hard time for me in the past; I would usually be away from home after the summer, because of school, and missing my family. So several years ago, I began the Christmas season really early, usually just after Thanksgiving (although often I would semi-start a bit earlier). I needed something to look forward to. Something to keep me sane. Something beautiful in my day. Something to get that Christmas spirit built up inside me. Something to give me a little hope when my heart became homesick.
I also felt the need to bring some balance, at least in my own life, given all the icky Halloween stuff that gets put up around this time of year and through October – it honestly makes me feel nauseated. Not because I’m looking at people and thinking they’re sinners and they’re worshiping the devil and lamenting the state of humanity; this stuff just really bothers me, and no amount of telling myself it’s just for fun or it’s not real or whatever makes me feel any better. I love dressing up. Love candy. Love carving pumpkins. Not comfortable at all with the icky stuff.
But I digress.
For various reasons, it’s taken a long time for the ‘Christmassy’ feeling to arrive. Back home, Autumn means wind and cold and snow before Halloween. Not here. Here, Autumn comes with a lot of rain, as does Winter (with some ice sprinkled in – we get snow if we’re lucky). The last couple of days, we have been treated to a steady rain, cool weather, overcast skies, and that lovely, calming rain.
And this year, the rain apparently delivered my first full dose of Christmas spirit.
I’ve little tastes of it a few times before now, but today…I must finally have been out here long enough to begin associating rain with the advent of Christmas. I felt utterly imbued with excitement and anticipation and just…joy. For almost the entire day. I feel it less now just because I’m exhausted and have hit my forced extroversion limit of the week, but it’s still there, still tangible, still warm and glowing.
I don’t know if it’s because I am relieved I feel happy, or because it’s been so long since I felt this so early and at this intensity that it’s overwhelming, or if I am still that emotionally unstable that my mind and body doesn’t know what else to do with it, but it makes me want to cry.